i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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