Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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