I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
