I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
