Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize