Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
should my penis look like a turkey
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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