the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
