I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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