last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
