Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
