My liver just broke up with me...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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