I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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