I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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