Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
