How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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