Just mADE A PArabola og urine
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
