You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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