he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize