Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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