I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize