My sheets look like a crime scene.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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