We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
