your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
