Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
