everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
