Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
