she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
