Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
