I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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