A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
