After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Mom said you looked used
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
