in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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