They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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