Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
