he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
