Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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