Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
