You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
