ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
