called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
