I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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