i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
