I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
