maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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