i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
