He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
