the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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