dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Randomize
