Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
