so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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