I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
