She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
