my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I think my moral compass just broke
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