im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
