i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize