Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just threw up on my dentist
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Then you guys just all showered together...?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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