I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize