Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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