i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
