Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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