if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
