i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
