Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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